With all of the Christmas excitement, I thought I was fine. Until that damn song (Even Though I'm Leaving by Luke Combs) came on the radio. Country Music can either feed the soul or trigger unwanted emotions. I've heard the song, time and time again, but never really listened to it until I was coming home from picking up my groceries on the eve of Christmas Eve. Ya know preparing for one of the most joyful times of the year. Guh, then that stupid emotion, called grief, came in HOT & stopped me in my tracks.
My daddo had a horrific, fast & furious battle with cancer & lost his fight in 2012. This was probably the 2nd worst day of my life. The first being when we found out he had stage 4 cancer. The wounds from being a part of this process are deep & unhealed. I spent 7 years, that's right, you heard me, 7 years trying to suppress the emotion that I didn't want to feel...grief.
One can only suppress this emotion for so long before it slides to the surface. For me, it came in hot this holiday season.
On Christmas Eve I spent the morning at the cemetery honoring this emotion. I sat at my dad's burial site eating a few donuts from my hometown bakery, drinking coffee, laughing & crying at
memories & most importantly giving myself grace.
Christmas Eve & Christmas were fantastic. More memories were made with loved ones. But, it has been a battle to come out of the mental funk of grief to feel like myself.
One thing that I am grateful for is the self-care system that I have put in place for myself along with a patient husband. I spent some time self medicating myself with "busy" & lots & lots of wine. I'm getting better about not using those unhealthy tactics to keep my mind off the sucky stuff. Without having my morning routine, my workout system, a husband who picked out & bought me a cute outfit to help me get out of the sweatpants, I really don't think I would've been able to pull myself back up.
This is what I'm learning to tell myself:
1. It's okay to feel sad...it's normal but staying there, is not.
2. Honor the not so feel good emotions because they will keep knocking until they barge in
3. My self-care routine is crucial to my mental well being & is kinda like training for the hard shit life will through at me at times when I really just don't want to deal...but know I have to.
Cheers to a new year & giving grace!
xoxo,
Lisa
Twitter @teach_n_boots
IG lisa_toebben
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